Skrillex

 Dear Skrillex,

Fuuuuuck you. I don't know why, but you just really kind of anger me. Maybe it's your stupid haircut, I don't know. I mean you gotta admit, you do kinda look like Teddy Duchamp, from the 1986 movie Stand By Me, but with long, stringy, greasy hair, that's shaved on the sides... really... why shaved?! Ok, this is really getting mean, and from what I understand, it may be very easy to make you cry... So I will stop. I do have more to say though...

I've listened to your stuff, and to me, it's just horrible. Maybe I'm old now and don't understand it, I don't know. I don't think that's really it though. See, I have great taste in music... all us self-proclaimed music elitists do... it just so happens that it's very true in my case. So, I'll come clean. I didn't know much about you so I looked at your wikipedia page. I had no idea that you were a lead vocal in a band BEFORE you became Skrillex. I caught myself thinking, "Maybe he's not all bad." Then I listened to the band and hated my ears for hearing it. "Nope! Hating Skrillex back on!"

And your real name is Sonny John Moore?! Why would you ever change THAT name to Skrillex? And why Skrillex? Why not say... anything but Skrillex. Ok, maybe your birth name wouldn't work in the styles of music you work in, but you'd have it sewn up if you were a blues man. Or a bag man... at the grocery store... BURN!

Ok, I have to say that given your back-story I've read, it sounds like you had a kind of messed up, if not just straight up complicated young years. So for getting through that, I salute you. And truth be told, there are parts of your songs that I'm all, "That's awesome!" but then you fuck it up and I'm again all, "Hating Skrillex back on!"

For some reason I just can't ever get over it. I'm really sorry, but I really just despise everything about what you call music. Maybe talk to Jack White and I may reconsider... MAY reconsider. But... I believe you will probably always be one of my musical nemeses. Thanks for that, at least.

Later, Duchamp...

Always, with love, I remain,
Ken  

Skrillex's crap can be found on Amazon.com, iTunes.com, and I'm sure at the toilet store...

Jack White

Dear Mr. Jack White,

Oh man… Where do I even start? Well… I guess here… Because of you, I think my fiancé may believe I’m gay. She hasn’t come out and just said it… but really… how could she not with her fiancé, almost every day going, “Babe! Jack White’s solo record, Blunderbuss, is the greatest thing I’ve heard!” or “Babe! Guess who Jack White is working with now?... BECK! I smell shenanigans! ” or “Babe! Do you think Jack White would think I’m handsome?”  Am I right?

But come, on… You’re just so damn good. Why do you have to be so good? It hurts me at times. You’re just so inventive… so talented… always surprising… always inspiring. I really appreciate Blunderbuss, like a lot. That record spans like all the musical genres… Don’t put you in a corner; huh Mr. Jack White? I wasn’t lying when I said I thought it was the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. Ok, I can’t lie to you Jack White… I’ve heard some pretty great things, a little better… my fiancé saying she loves me… the doctor telling me it’s not cancer… But it’s right there, man. Blunderbuss is amazing!

You know what? I know you’re into producing, like, everyone right now. Maybe you can hook up with my boys Scars on 45 and Von Bondies them… You know, friend them up and then beat the crap out of them… It’s up to you.

Thanks again for Blunderbuss, and everything else you’ve done and are doing. I will always be a fan.

Always, with love, I remain,

Ken

Blunderbuss can be found at Thirdmanrecords.com, Amazon.com, itunes.com, and fine independent record stores across the USA...

Scars on 45

  Dear the band calling yourself Scars on 45,

With a name such as yours, I expected something much, much cooler than the estrogen-laced, sappy pop that you play... Albeit, well produced estrogen-laced, sappy pop... I do not like it. You totally Dashboard Confession-ed me... Meaning you look real tough, but really you're just not... I think you should try drinking a lot of whiskey, growing a pair, & try to make music that will bring a worthiness to your name.

Always, with love, I remain,
Ken

Scars on 45 can be found at Amazon.com, itunes.com, and fine independent record stores across the USA...